Viewing Forms of Regret
Posted: April 18, 2011, 5 p.m., EDT
Alice Villalobos, DVM, DPNAP
It is amazing to work in a profession that allows us to help people and pets every day.
A number of clients have expressed an emerging type of wistful regret about their pets recently. I believe it’s because the recession has deepened for so many people, but there may be more to it.
Marisol Ramirez truly loves her 14-year-old shepherd-chow mix, Murda, who is being successfully treated for splenic lymphoma. Murda presented with two significant co-morbid conditions, severe osteoarthritis and degenerative myelopathy with mild posterior ataxia, but remains in an extended stable remission.
On a recent recheck, Marisol said Murda indicates that she wants to go outside, but once out, immediately wants to come back in. We explained this most likely stems from a common condition in geriatric dogs. Murda was probably exhibiting signs of canine cognitive dysfunction syndrome, which might respond to medication and/or a diet change to Hill’s b/d.
This odd behavior has frustrated Marisol and she feels guilty about reacting sternly on a few occasions. She also feels compelled to stay at home with Murda so she can watch her closely. When I asked her why she feels so strongly about being at home instead of going to her office she said, “I’m afraid that Murda might die when I’m not around.”
Murda’s care has become a big responsibility for Marisol, who has developed a range of emotions surrounding her dog’s maintenance. She has self-doubt. She wonders if she can continue financing Murda’s care. She has already made sacrifices to pay for the treatments to get Murda into remission. She wonders if she can continue with the financial commitment because her photography business has been in decline. She feels regret and guilt sometimes, thinking about how she is waiting for Murda to die. But Murda keeps on living, enjoying short walks, and has a good appetite. Marisol said that when Murda dies, “I’ll probably have a breakdown.”
These seemingly contrary feelings of attachment and detachment and anticipatory grief are confusing. She said it’s making her depressed and she doesn’t know what to do about the feelings. She really wants Murda to live.
I repeated the dilemma so she could hear it from another person. On one hand, she knows Murda’s treatments are successful. On the other hand, with success comes the added burden of watching Murda’s age-related decline. I asked if it was about the cost of care. She feels money is a factor contributing to her angst. But is it just the money? Not entirely.
I explained to Marisol that contrary feelings like these are generally deep seated and come from previous feelings of love and loss. By answering a few questions, Marisol recalled that as a teenager she had contrary feelings when her mother was ill with cancer.
Murda’s pending loss was stimulating her previous teenage feelings of protecting herself from losing her mother to cancer. Marsiol also recalled that she was not home when Murda’s mother died and that she felt a haunting regret about that.
Once Marisol recognized the situation, she felt a lot better and hugged me. When Marisol left the exam room with Murda, she was smiling.
A Deeper Well of Regret
Another client shared his sense of regret in a letter.
Pepper is gone. … It was a terrible decision to make—one that I am still regretting. I loved the article you sent me about relief being a natural part of grief (Veterinary Practice News, November 2007), but I think something needs to be said about regret. … Although I have been told by many that it was the right thing to do, my mind keeps going over and over the decision, hoping that it was the right time. Yep—regret is the killer emotion. I do feel relief. … Grief—sure. That’s only natural, but regret—that’s the hardest one for me right now.
|Photo courtesy of Marisol Ramirez.|
Pepper was No. 6 in a long line of German shepherds for us, but somehow her passing has been much more painful than any of the others’. … There’s a huge hole where Pepper used to be. … It’s really quiet here. We’re just not used to it. A very strange thing happened when Pepper died; our birds were calling Pepper’s name. They knew without being near. Amazing.
All these things—her cancer diagnosis and treatment decisions, Her beginning stability with a glimmer of hope that she would be OK, for a while. And then, her declining interest in food … And her unbelievable determination to retain her dignity and grace, however heroic on her part, was extremely painful for us. We know in our hearts that there was probably nothing else we, or anyone else, for any amount of money, could have done for her that we weren’t already doing. Knowing all these things hasn’t eased our pain over her passing.
I want to convey to you and everyone on your staff just how important your positive support has been for us. We only had a small idea of what was to come—you knew, and helped give us the strength and guts to go the distance. We were not sure where or when it was all going to end, but one thing was for sure. Pepper was driving the bus and we were all just passengers.
With Much Love,
This touching email was all about regret for Rick. However, I wanted him to know about one of the powers associated with pet loss, how pet loss can evoke deeper feelings from the past, making us feel so low and depressed that it might drive some bereft people into maladaptive grief. Below is my email response to Rick and his family.
Your feelings of regret are soooo natural and brutal to experience. So think about turning that regret into gratitude for the wonderful days that Pepper gave to you during her Pawspice. Your cups were running over with joy at her amazing good days. ... I think her passing might also have rekindled all your losses and the summation of all your grief for those who have gone to the rainbow bridge before her.
I call this “tears of the ages.” You might call it regret, but it is RE-something. REliving the losses of all those loved ones who have passed on.
Pet loss opens that well and we fall into it with all our tears and sadness.
REmember the good days and REcall the joy and love and cherish that!
We will miss seeing you and Pepper at the clinic. Stop by and we will give you a big hug in honor of Pepper.
Dr. Villalobos is a past president of the American Assn. of Human-Animal Bond Veterinarians and is president of the Society for Veterinary Medical Ethics. Her column appears every other month.<Home>
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Viewing Forms of Regret
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