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The Funniest Client Expressions

In the spirit of April Fool’s Day, we share the wackiest things clients, veterinarians and vet techs have said.

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In honor of April Fool’s Day, we share a few wacky client expressions, either heard personally or kindly shared by colleagues and technicians. This is in no way meant to make fun of our beloved clients. OK, maybe just a little. If we were to enter their professional world, we also would butcher expressions and misunderstand their explanations. Feel free to share expressions you’ve heard after reading!

General Pet Care

  • “My male puppy was just neutralized.”
  • “Are you going to seduce my dog to clean his teeth?”
  • “My dog needs his distemperment shot for his bad behavior.”
  • “My dog needs his Bordello vaccine.”
  • A classic: “My dog was spayded.”
  • “No need to give my puppy a wormer, he was already wormed.”
  • “My vet found the tumor by palpitation of his belly.”
  • New dog breeds: Rockweiler, Am Stat.
  • “I feed him Euba-Kanuba.”

Surgery Department

  • A client who felt the need to insist that he was an engineer: “My dog has a prenatal hernia and hip diphtheria.” (Translation: a perineal hernia and hip dysplasia.)
  • After discussing removing an ununited anconeal process from a shepherd’s elbow: “Can it be done with minimally evasive surgery?”
  • Me: “Please don’t forget to fast your dog after 8 p.m.”
    Client: “Why 8 p.m.? He eats fast all the time!”
  • A cute one during an ACL consult: “My vet felt a cabinet drawer sign in my dog’s knee.”
  • A classic: “Will he get an inflammatory after surgery?”
  • “What is the projectile for her surgery again?” (Translation: projected time.)

What Were They Thinking?

  • “She’s not a typical mini-Yorkie, she’s not like a pocketbook dog.”
  • “My Lab is almost 10 years old, so he’s more sedimentary.”
  • “My dog was treated for hypolytic anemia.” (Translation: hemolytic anemia.)
  • “My dog had pancreitis.”
  • “There is minucus coming out of it.” (Mucus.)
  • “Client: we’ll be there in 30 minutes.
    Receptionist: Oh great, do you know where we are?
    Client: No.”
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Vets and Techs are Just as Bad!

To be fair, even veterinary team members make up wacky words. Here are a few classic words, tortured by clients, vets and techs alike:

  • “Larnynx surgery” instead of larynx (there is only one N).
  • “Prostrate disease” instead of prostate (there is only one R).
  • A “Weitlander” retractor – instead of Weitlaner (there is no D).
  • “A pussy discharge” – no comment.
  • We could add the word nucular medicine, dear to Mr. Bush.

I can’t resist sharing a conversation I had with a receptionist. I called a clinic to talk with a referring vet, Dr. Smith – a solo practitioner.

She asked me: “Are you calling to talk to Dr. Smith?”

Silly me, I felt compelled to jokingly ask her: “Sure, how did you guess?”

Her answer was: “Well, because I’m a psycho.”

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